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Friends United Meeting |
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June 2000
Marriage
under the Care of the Meeting
By Kate Hood
Although there is a widespread perception, especially among programmed Friends, that the traditional Quaker wedding is only a very old religious custom, this wonderful and most practical procedure endures. "It seems that many meetings are coming back to it," remarked Carole Treadway, Librarian of the Friends Historical Collection at Guilford College in Greensboro, NC. "They know that it's a good process."
The avoidance of undue haste, the emphasis upon the equality of the sexes, the responsibility assumed by the Monthly Meeting, the thoughtful attention given to the religious, moral, and physical qualifications, and the impressive statement of the marriage vows by the contracting parties are all important features of the Friends' marriage practice....
from A Wedding After the Manner of Friends, published by the Publications Board of North Carolina Yearly Meeting in 1975.
At New Garden Friends Meeting, also in Greensboro, a committee worked
in the mid 1990s to create a pamphlet for couples seeking to be married
there. I served on that committee along with David Bills, pastoral minister
since 1972. He said, "I have worked with many couples and committees
and feel that [marriage under the care of the meeting] is a great way
for them to get pre-marital counseling and to be in touch with others
after the marriage takes place. It connects them with others in the meeting
in a meaningful way, not just with the pastoral minister. The pamphlet
really helps people discover if this is the way for them."
There are three options for getting married in our meeting-simply being
married in the building, having a Quaker-type ceremony (called "after
the manner of Friends") but without committee involvement, and finally,
being married "under the care of" our meeting using the full
committee process described below. David Bills estimates that 90% of marriages
at New Garden are under our care.
The committee clearly felt that the third option was the best:
The marriage ceremony is the public celebration and solemnization of the
union of two people. It brings together family, friends and community
to partake in the joy and love of the couple's commitment to each other.
In the traditional manner of Friends, the marriage ceremony comes after
the couple, together with the Meeting, works through a careful process
of clearness. The ceremony takes place in a called meeting for worship
where the couple stands in the presence of God and, without an intermediary,
pledges their love and commitment to each other. Friends gathered at the
Meeting for Worship affirm the union and offer to the couple their spiritual
support.
Here is the process: First, a couple interested in marriage under the
care of our meeting writes a letter to the clerk stating their intentions
in as much detail as possible. They are asked to "approach the Meeting
in a spirit of openness and patience...[and] understand that Quaker process
is often lengthy and that it is entered into without the expectation of
a determined outcome."
The clerk will take this request to Monthly Meeting for Business. There
a Clearness and Oversight Committee will be appointed, "comprised
of 6-8 individuals, of whom at most half can be requested by the couple."
This committee will take the responsibility of arranging a series of meetings
with the couple. Many meetings use two committees-one for clearness and
another for oversight of the actual ceremony and legal matters-but at
New Garden they are combined.
Next, "it is the task of the clearness committee to labor carefully
with the couple and to explore the spiritual, emotional and physical basis
of their intended commitment." When the committee members feel confident
that the couple is clear to proceed, they should report back to Monthly
Meeting.
The committee then begins to advise the couple about the ceremony itself
(both the spiritual and practical aspects) and the legal responsibilities
they have. At New Garden we have had many variations on the traditional
ceremony, including such things as prepared music and speaking. One common
element among most couples, however, is use of the traditional marriage
certificate, which is signed by the bride and groom during the ceremony
and by all in attendance afterwards. This document, which describes the
occasion in beautiful, reverent prose, and bears the signatures of all
present, is usually framed as a keepsake. The official marriage license,
which has been secured previously, is signed by the bride and groom and
appropriate witnesses immediately following the ceremony and promptly
returned to the county office.
Once the wedding has been accomplished, the Clearness/Oversight Committee
should report back to Monthly Meeting for Business, and at that time the
marriage is entered into the Monthly Meeting minutes. Thus a permanent
record is made of this marriage as a part of the meeting's history.
The Clearness Committee
Loy Newby, at New Garden for 20 years, has a reputation for being a very
helpful committee member. "Usually... the committee members give
a brief account of how they met and key things they have learned as marriage
partners. I think this has a calming effect and perhaps adds a little
humor if the couple is a bit nervous," he said. However, "marriage
is a serious issue and if a couple has asked for a clearness committee,
it is obligatory that questions be asked that might be thought provoking
and that point out areas the couple might not have addressed in their
pre-nuptial thinking."
He said that one of the most important questions to be asked regarded
finances. Carol Cothern, who has had the privilege of sitting on several
marriage clearness committees in her 15 years of membership, agreed because
of "the issues that revolve around money-control, planning for the
future, and different needs and wants." She went on to mention other
topics: whether there would be two careers in the family, and whether
they were planning to have children. Loy adds a question about methods
of discipline. Most parents understand that this can be a real source
of tension.
How to spend holidays with extended family usually comes up. This can
seem relatively unimportant at first, but when two families are blended
the couple needs to take into account the traditions, expectations and
values of each and create an equitable plan. When children enter the family
this becomes even more significant.
Loy likes to ask, "Is religion equally important to both of you?
Do you share similar views on spirituality?" This is related to the
first set of questions in our pamphlet, "What are your notions of
spirituality? In what way do you see your intended marriage as the reflection
of your spiritual commitments to each other? How do you plan to bring
spirituality into your relationship and through that into the world at
large?"
Questions on communication and decision-making styles and how each handles
anger are high on the list in the pamphlet. Another in which I was particularly
interested speaks to personal differences. "What are your similarities
and differences with regard to managing your life? Do you organize your
time and your belongings in similar ways? If not, have you discovered
ways to work around the differences?"
I felt strongly about including these questions because it was these differences
for which I was least prepared in my marriage. In spite of the fact that
we used the clearness process, my marriage ended in divorce after ten
years. Like all of the couples I spoke with, I don't remember the specific
questions we were asked, but my suspicion is that in my case the probing
was not deep enough. Differences of all kinds can certainly be worked
around if there is trust, good communication and a sense of shared basic
values. However, in discussing the differences like these, the deeper
elements might surface and indicate whether or not there is serious incompatibility.
"In the presence of God and these our Friends, I take thee (name) to be my husband (wife) promising with Divine assistance to be a loving and faithful wife (husband) as long as we both shall live."
Traditional Quaker wedding vows.
In spite of my own experience, should I ever choose to re-marry, I would want very much to have a deeply committed and courageous clearness committee to guide us. Carol summed it up well, "It is important to address issues that get lost in planning the wedding production. These are concerns with a lifelong impact, not just that of the [wedding] day."
Mikel Taylor was married just under a year ago at New Garden. He said,
"It makes you stop and think, be more reflective and more introspective.
The clearness committee made us feel like we were being drawn into the
community. People on the committee are still people we feel a special
affection for." His wife Selma commented, "We had a lot of support
and that makes a difference. With us being of different races, this was
extra special. The committee was interested in our backgrounds and educational
levels, and how we would deal with getting older." Mikel said that
"people were trying to get a sense of what our relationship was.
It wasn't just rubber-stamping."
That thorough exploration, though sometimes misconstrued by those unfamiliar
with it as intrusion, is usually deeply appreciated by the couple. Carl
Semmler, married nearly ten years to Diane, remarked, "I had a real
sense that they approved of our impending marriage and were available
to help, support, counsel, celebrate with us as we had need. I also felt,
through this committee and the oversight process, that we had a commitment
from, and the support of the Meeting as a whole. Marriage is a life changing
event. Even though I knew I was making the best decision of my life, it
was comforting to me to feel that I had the support and approval of a
body of (F)friends as I began this new adventure." He went on to
say that "commitments work both ways, and I feel a responsibility
to the committee and to the Meeting to maintain my marriage and to raise
my family in a way that justifies their support and expectations."
Clearly the meeting community is strengthened when there is such solid
commitment all around.
The Quaker Wedding Ceremony
The wedding itself is a meeting for worship in which a marriage takes place. In an atmosphere of quiet and reverence the promises of the bride and bridegroom are made to each other without the help of a third person. Thus, before God and in the presence of their friends, they enter into a binding relationship…
The custom often used of bride and bridegroom walking together to the front of the Meeting recognizes their freedom to give themselves to each other…
Following a period of worship, the couple rise, and, taking each other by the hand, make their promises to each other in tones clear enough to be heard throughout the meeting.When they are again seated, the marriage certificate is brought for signature to the bridegroom and to the bride, who in signing it customarily adopts the surname of her husband. The certificate is read to the Meeting…by a person who has been asked in advance to do so… At the close of the meeting, those who have been present are asked to sign the certificate as witnesses.
From Philadelphia Yearly Meeting's 1972 Faith and Practice (reprinted 1994)
For Mikel "the best part [of the whole marriage process] was the
ceremony couched in a silent meeting." Selma, his wife said, "The
ceremony was absolutely beautiful; it brought everyone together from diverse
backgrounds. Our friends still talk about the [certificate]. They said
it was like signing the Declaration of Independence!"
Carl was also enthusiastic about their wedding. "Our ceremony was
a little bit of a hybrid. We...had music and so on...[but] we spoke our
vows out of silence, had the reading of the marriage certificate and quite
a few people spoke out of the silence following the vows. We have had
a lot of people over the years, and many non-Quakers, tell us how much
they enjoyed our ceremony and how meaningful it was to them. To me, that
is evidence that the process works. I would certainly recommend it to
others."
In a paper for the Quakerism 101 class at Guilford College this spring, Elizabeth Baltaro wrote:
George Fox ... envisioned marriages as they were before the Fall; God was the only binding force between husband and wife, and subservience and domination were nonexistent.
In 1669 Fox wrote, "For the right joining in marriage is the work of the Lord only...and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none; it is the Lord's work, and we are but witnesses."
Copyright (c) 2000 Friends United Meeting