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Friends United Meeting |
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April 2000
Quaker Companies "R" Us
Stan Banker
When it comes to truth speaking, Quakers are ranked in the Top Ten just behind two Amish farmers between Bird-in-Hand and Paradise, Pennsylvania, one Artilla the Nun from "Nun Shall Make Them Afraid" Catholic High School near Cambridge, Massachusetts, and a liberal Mennonite (he traded in his draft-horse for a Honda scooter) from Shipshewanna, Indiana. Even more impressive, we are the first organized, well somewhat organized, religious group to be mentioned in the Top Ten Integrity Report issued by the American Foundation for Trivial Information.
Because of our good reputation, industrialists and retailers alike have borrowed our trustworthy "Quaker" name to stimulate growth and sales. And who said Quakers are on the decline? In the "Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Stan's-Fiction" Department, I recently obtained a copy listing hundreds of businesses across the United States that use our "Quaker" name.
Not a Methodist Oil or a Baptist Oats in sight. Presbyterians and Lutherans had their own insurance companies, but that's cheating. The only insurance company we Quakers have is Eternal Life that does, by the way, carry what I think is the best life policy around...spare none, at least for the grace fanatics.
In this column I am known occasionally to expand and expound ever-so-slightly upon the truth. But not this time. I've repented of my old ways. What follows is the gospel truth, or at least the truth, about a few real life companies who use the "Quaker" name:
Quaker City Drag Strip in Salem, Ohio-Get those horses revvin', Levi, we're coming through.
Quaker Coal Company in Lexington, Kentucky-No Quaker gray for those folks.
Quaker Square Hilton Hotel in Akron, Ohio-20% discounts offered to all square Quakers, call 1-800-QUAKER2.
Quaker Security Service in Salem, Ohio-Is it really safe to guard your treasures with a pacifist? As for me, give me an angry fundamentalist any day.
Quaker Bonnet in Buffalo, New York-Insulated bonnets are big in Buffalo.
Quaker Boy Turkey Calls in Orchard Park, New York-Believe you me, turkeys can tell the difference between a Quaker Boy Turkey Call and a Pentecostal Boy Turkey Call.
Quaker Hill Country Club in Pawling, New York-Why didn't FUM think of that? Sure would've been a boost to the budget.
Quaker Steak and Lube in Sharon, Pennsylvania-I'll have a medium steak and a well-done lube, please.
Quaker Cemetery in Camden, South Carolina-Lay all your concerns to rest here.
Quaker Valley Quotes in Cockeysville Hunt Valley, Maryland-I'll take two George Fox, one Elizabeth Fry and four D. Elton Trueblood quotes to go.
Quaker Hill Liquors in Wilmington, Delaware-It's hard to find an honest drink.
Quaker State Liquor Store in Los Angeles, California-Well, now with another liquor store, it's getting easier to find an honest drink.
Quaker Bar in Dade City, Florida-Now we can order an honest mixed drink.
Quaker Ridge Winery in Washington, Pennsylvania-Finally, a sophisticated honest drink with a fragrant bouquet and robust color.
Quaker City Cab in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania-Friends don't let Friends drive drunk.
Quaker Internal Medicine in High Point, North Carolina-For those Quakers who want to hold off the eternal a little longer.
Quaker Sealants and Coatings in St. Louis, Missouri-Reportedly started as a subsidiary of Quaker Internal Medicine.
Quaker Street Coiffures in El Dorado, Arizona-Get your beehive hairdo here.
Quaker Container Corporation in Vernon, California-I know a few Quakers I'd like to see contained.
Quaker Securities in Valley Forge, Pennsylvania-An investment service for those Quakers who started out doing good and ending up doing well.
Quaker TV Sales Center in Glens Falls, New York-For the Quaker who likes to hear about the simplicity testimony on a big screen television with surround sound.
Quakers on the Water in Sunrise Beach, Missouri-I have no idea.
For far too long Quaker Oats, Quaker State Oil and Quaker Chemical have received way too much of the Quaker-related press. Now a few other companies appear in the light. Simply speaking, our name lives on in hundreds of ways George Fox would have never imagined.
Stan Banker is pastor of Indianapolis, Indiana, First Friends Meeting.
Send your comments : QuakerLife@FUM.org.
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